| Deliverance |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|11:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "London Rain (Nothing Heals Me Like You Do)" - Heather Nova | ] |
I received a rather odd piece of mail in the post yesterday, and I've been struggling about how to write about it. You see, there was a time when I would've launch into a caustic, sarcastic, acrimonious rant that would put Dennis Leary to shame. I would've torn apart the grammar, blasted the writer and mocked the entire tone of the missive. And you know what? That would be the easy way out. It takes relatively little effort to find fault in people and their actions -- after all, everyone has their flaws. Sure, it seems clever to hurl a few well-written, acerbic barbs at someone who is not able to defend themselves. And yes, there is a certain part of the ego that is sated by dazzling and confusing the object of your ire by the cunning use of grandiloquent prose, particularly when you know that the other person did not have the same educational opportunities that you did, and will feel shamed by your oh-so-superior command of the English language.
We've all done it. We've all looked another person straight in the eye and spit forth like venom the words we know will most hurt them. And while our ego is satisfied that we were able to come up with the "perfect" words at exactly the perfect time, most of us regret the pain we caused. It doesn't matter if it's a friend, a lover, a parent or a complete stranger, the pleasure of serving our ego is fleeting at best and when we see the emotional carnage we've wrought on another human being, we become acutely aware of our own suffering.
Contrary to what pop culture would lead you to believe, that is the law of Karma. It has nothing to do with some esoteric cosmic law, nor is there an omniscient superior being keeping a tally of all your "good" and "bad" deeds. It's really quite simple: every moment we spend embracing negative states of mind (hatred, jealousy, anger, etc.) is a moment we will be unable to avoid suffering. While these negative states of mind may occasionally seem satisfying (because our ego is being served), no real peace or happiness has ever been born of them. Anger is suffering. Hatred is suffering. Jealousy is suffering.
There are many occasions when we feel like these states of mind are necessary, valuable or even justifiable. We may think, "this is an evil person, and he deserves my anger" or "this person is worthy of my hatred because they have acted in such an awful way". But the truth is, your negative states of mind only affect you. Better questions to ask would be, do you wish to suffer your anger? Do you wish to suffer your hatred? When we realize that it is impossible to be angry or hateful without paying the price of suffering, we begin to re-evaluate how we interact with those around us.
How many times in our lives have we been annoyed or angered by someone's actions, only to later learn that there was a specific reason for their behavior? For instance, how would you feel if the best man in your wedding showed up two hours late? You would probably be angry because you were counting on him to perform his duties. But what if you learned that his wife had a heart-attack and he had to take her to the emergency room in order to save her life? Then your anger melts away because you understand why he was late and you begin to feel compassion for him. Or, what if your daughter begins to lash out at you and call you hurtful names? You would be upset that she treats you with such disrespect. But after many weeks of this behavior, you learn that she has recently been molested by a relative and has been struggling with the the shame and anger and helplessness she feels. Then your anger turns into compassion as you realize how much your daughter has suffered.
In both of these instances, the behavior that triggered your negative states of mind remains constant. The best man was two hours late for your wedding. Your daughter did treat you with disrespect. What changed was your understanding of the reason behind the behavior. In both cases, understanding the suffering of another person (a loved one having a heart attack, a daughter being molested) softened your heart. You could see the whole picture and could empathize with the very person you thought caused your anger. And then you finally come to realize that those around us don't cause our anger, our ignorance of their suffering causes our anger.
I don't know the specific reason that the woman I work with feels the need to tear those around her down. I don't know the specific reason my father is quick to anger when certain topics are mentioned. But that's the great thing about generating loving kindness and compassion; we don't have to know the specific reason someone acts in an unpleasant way. We know it is because they suffer. And we know that while they are in that negative state of mind, they continue to suffer. We can relate to those around us because we understand suffering ourselves. We have all acted in ways that are hurtful because we ourselves have been hurt. Perhaps the woman at work has a horrible marriage. Perhaps my father has been fighting an illness that he hasn't told me about. The specific reason doesn't matter. Knowing that there is a reason -- and that the reason is suffering -- is all it takes to generate compassion. How can you be angry at your daughter's behavior when you learn of her suffering? By the same token, how can you be angry at your co-worker when you know that she too suffers?
So, it is with this very long preamble that I share with you the letter I received in the mail yesterday. As much as my ego wants to rant and rave about how inappropriate this kind of communication is, and how terrible the grammar is, and how misguided this person must be, I find there is little fulfillment in getting upset. I don't know what prompted this woman to send me a letter, but I know that like me, she has suffered and that suffering has manifest itself in behavior that I consider inappropriate. I also remember all the times in my life that my suffering has caused me to act in a way that was inappropriate, and I find that I cannot feel anything but compassion for her.
  
I'd like to end this post with a short story that I have always enjoyed...
( Forbearance Will Overcome Hatred ) |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
blakeh's journal
